The Cost of Being the Default

Alicia Divico, LMHC

Published on: 06/01/2026

Many mothers are told they’ve become “mean” or “different” after having children, but this shift isn’t a personality flaw — it’s a physiological and psychological response to chronic burnout. Drawing on research in neuroscience, psychology, and sociology, this essay explains how sleep deprivation, emotional labor, and the invisible mental load push mothers into survival mode. Resentment and irritability aren’t signs of failure; they’re signals of prolonged invisibility and unmet needs. When women carry the default responsibility for everyone else’s well-being, “niceness” isn’t lost — it’s depleted.